By Steve Spargo,

A long time ago, a famous Greek philosopher called Socrates said this about marriage.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.
Obviously Socrates was having a few problems at home he wasn’t able to handle.

He is not the only one that has had trouble with this. The Australian Bureau of Statistics says that in 2011, there were 121,752 marriages and 48,935 divorces. A 40% divorce rate.

That’s not the whole story by a longshot. Those numbers don’t reveal the incredible grief, the outraged feelings, the broken dreams that a failed marriage precipitates for the partners, their children and immediate families.

And what about the unhappiness endured by many of those who choose not to divorce for financial reasons, for the children’s sake, for lack of confidence a better life can be found. Or the enormous number of relationships that founder even before they make it to the altar.

Man Has Trouble With Relationships

Man has always had trouble with his relationships and sadly, once a relationship turned bad, there was little he could do to reverse it. It wasn’t for lack of trying. Many times he raised his necessity level, gave it another go and tried with all his heart. But the problem usually doesn’t surrender to “huge effort”.

I came from a broken home and it definitely had an impact on me and my siblings. I was pretty sure that a happy marriage was only a short term thing at best. I really did think it was not going to be possible to grow old and remain in love with my partner.

But it never seemed reasonable to me that a relationship that starts with such incredible love and admiration should so often end in disaster. It was all a big tragic mystery.

The Light Dawns

It remained a mystery for me until I studied Scientology. Particularly the overt-motivator sequence. Then it started to make sense. It made even more sense when I studied the Axioms and learned that all out-ARC stemmed from earlier ARC. In other words, the more you love someone, the greater the upset and mis-emotion when you fall out. We really do hurt the people we love the most.

To me, one of the greatest promises of Scientology is that we can become cause over our relationships. We can preserve our love in the face of adversity.

Marriage Counselling

When the Church released a bulletin on how to do Marriage Counselling, I was very interested. The process was deceptively simple. You took both partners into session and each in turn, asked them what they have done or withheld from the other. They get off their withholds and go back into communication with each other and live happily ever after.

There was even a film which showed you how easy it all was. A touching film which showed a couple recovering their love for each other through this process. I couldn’t watch it without a tear coming to my eye. Finally, a solution to this age-old problem.

My First Experiences

It didn’t take long before I found myself seated in a room with an unhappy couple, doing Marriage Counselling.

I have to say that my first couple of attempts didn’t work out too well. The Marriage Counselling bulletin and the film gave me a too simplistic picture of how to run the process and my results weren’t good. So I hit the books, restudied all my Confessional technology until I was ready to give it another go.


I found one of the key secrets of the entire process was to make sure the partners knew very clearly up front that I wasn’t going to accept any motivators or justifications and why that was important.

Then in session I made sure I didn’t accept those things. In my next sessions it made an amazing difference. They had blowout wins and were back in love again.

For me, this was a personal dream come true. The resolution to the problem that had bothered me and so many others for so long. Or at least, a good part of it.


Marriage Counselling is not super easy. You have to be on your toes. It’s amazing how covertly husbands and wives can attack each other by a seemingly simple statement. Suddenly you find yourself in a war zone with everyone shooting at everyone else. In one session I actually had my meter swept onto the floor, table upended and spouses bolting out the door into the street. If you want to help troubled couples, you have to be very determined and a bullet proof vest might come in handy too.

But it certainly was interesting how these cases worked out. In more than half the seven successful cases I have done, the resolution occurred after the sessions had bogged. When I ran a correction list on one of the partners, I would find an issue that occurred in an earlier relationship. Suddenly the whole thing would just dissolve. After one correction session, the wife rang me an hour after he got home to thank me profusely. Saying her husband had completely changed his attitude and they were all fine now.

Several couples chose to separate after the counselling. However they too were overwhelmingly appreciative. The counselling enabled them to extrovert from the mess and talk about their situation and decide what was best. In fact, one couple that separated was just as happy as the others that stayed together. One was so happy she even joined the Sea Org (this occurred back in the days when that was still considered to be a good thing).

In all but my first two attempts, I have been very happy with the results of Marriage Counselling. Some of them just blew me away and gave me some of the biggest wins I’ve had as an auditor in Scientology.

Some Key Things About Marriage

I have learned some key data about marriage while working these cases and I don’t mind saying what they are.

Firstly, marriage is a postulated relationship. It has to be created and then created again and again. If you let an out-ARC situation continue too long, one or both of the partners will simply cease to create it. Marriage Counselling can resolve the upset, but probably won’t recover the marriage in this case.

So we must not let our-ARC situations continue in our relationships. We have to confront and resolve them sooner rather than later, while we are both still creating the relationship.

A second thing I learned is that a relationship has to go somewhere. The best explanation of why is right there in the Dianetic Axioms where it explains how an optimum randomity will eventually become minus randomity and then the bank will collapse on the activity. In other words, you can’t go on doing the same old things week in, week out, year after year. No matter how much fun it was 10 years ago, eventually you will find yourself in a minus randomity situation and your relationship is in trouble.

In other words, you need to find a way to maintain optimum randomity in your relationship. Yes, that takes some study and understanding before you put it into practice. You actually have to plan your relationship. Not just “let it happen”.
Another thing I’ve learned in all this is how Effect we have been in our relationships. I have become more determined to be Cause.

This has saved my bacon quite a few times in my own marriage. It wasn’t too long ago when I even resorted to Marriage Counselling in my own marriage. Things weren’t too happy so I plucked up my courage and told my wife I was going to get off all my withholds and that I would answer any question. That’s just what I did and when I finished, I then asked her for her withholds. The whole thing required a lot of courage, but it worked like a charm and my wife did not go home to her mother.
I sometimes have to pinch myself as I look over what I have achieved in this area. I have been married for 19 years and am more in love with my wife now than ever before. In addition, I have helped other people obtain some part of that too.

All I can say is thank goodness for Scientology and Marriage Counselling.


# Artful 2014-01-05 16:28
That is awesome and courageous. Does it require the auditor to be more than Level II? I'd also be very interested in how you promote the service.

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“As the only crime in the universe seems to be to communicate, and as the only saving grace of an awareness of awareness unit is to communicate, we can readily understand that an entanglement of communication is certain to result. What we should understand – and much more happily – is that it can now be resolved.”

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Dianetics 55!, Chapter Nine
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